The Prowl: Why Republicans Make Better Dates

I am a Democrat: my heart bleeds and I want to tax and spend. It therefore pains me to admit that going on dates with Republicans is frankly more fun.

Thanksgiving is a word that is really two words:  "Thanks" and "Giving."  As a result, for this Thanksgiving edition of The Prowl, I will give back to the readers of FrumForum, and you can thank me later.  My gift to all of you is that I have a confession to make, which if you think about it, should not actually be all that surprising.  I am a Democrat.  My heart bleeds, I want to tax and spend, and I can't wait for the death panels to kick-in in 2014.  It therefore pains me to no end to admit that Republicans are frankly more fun.  More than this, it pains me to go a step further and suggest that they make better dates.  I have made a list explaining how and why.

1. They are more organized.  Despite their deep aversion to bureaucracy, somehow, Republicans have managed to better group themselves than their counterparts across the aisle.  For whatever reason, and this is likely laziness, Democrats have not been good at creating a network of young professionals that is as inclusive and as cohesive as Republicans.  For example, I had no idea that there was a Democratic corollary to the Capitol Hill Club for several months and do not know a single person who is a member.  This lack of organization on the Democratic side means that they do not really sponsor regularly attended events in the same way that Republican organizations do.  This Republican organizational edge really does contribute to their functions being more fun.

2. They have better bars and/or caterers.  I have suffered through more fundraisers at the Democratic Club than I would like to count and the food is bad.  Eggs are not supposed to be solid items that you could pick up and throw at the congressman pandering to the labor lobbyists on his right.  Culinary criteria aside, it is well known that the best way to make friends in D.C. is by sharing a drink with them.  My Republican coworker and I for instance routinely reach a bipartisan consensus on a host of issues around drink three.  Thus, the quality of the bar at any given event is hugely important.  A close friend of my parents used to routinely praise Ronald Reagan for "bringing hard alcohol back to the White House."  The vats of Maker’s Mark at Republican functions is a testament to this commitment, despite Speaker Boehner's preference for merlot.  Democrats, in contrast, are known for drinking "buttery chardonnay" or Milwaukee's Best.  This is hardly a formula for a quality event.

3. They dress better and/or are better looking.  A close friend of mine is absolutely convinced that Republicans are better looking.  When I asked if he was calling me ugly he sheepishly tried to walk it back.  More than this however, Republicans really do dress better.  I recognize this is shallow, but no one wants to be stuck next to the guy at a party who hasn't taken a shower in several days and clearly does not own an iron.  Simply look at Barney Frank, for instance.  Perhaps this Republican affinity for a certain type of fashion is really just nostalgia for a bygone era, but somehow Republicans have learned to invest in tailors in a way that Democrats have not.  It is worth noting here as well that Republicans also have learned outside of their offices to wear lots of pastels and clothing with ducks or whales embroidered on it.  This should not be encouraged.

4. Southern Gentility.  This may have been implied in numbers 1-3, but many Republican members and staffers were born, raised, and/or educated below the Mason-Dixon line.  I was not; and, to my mind, Washington is very much a Southern city.  However, President Kennedy was wrong to mock it as a city of "northern charm."  This is probably because he hung around with too many Democrats.  Southern ladies will wear pearls; southern men will hold open doors and wear searsucker non-ironically.  The party base may consist of "good ol' boys" who exhibit many of the negative stereotypes Northerners and Canadians may hold about Dixie, but the Grand Old Party grandees represent a much different sort of Southerner.  This is to the Republicans' credit, and it makes for a more pleasant socialization experience than being thrust into a nest of nattering New Yorkers.

5.  Money.  Yes, for all of the caterwauling from the tea partiers that President Obama, Lawrence Summers, and Elena Kagan are "elitists," the GOP still represents the elite.  Not your nouveau arriviste billionaire foreigners like George Soros, mind, or your overly educated, Brooklyn-resident post-modern, scruffily bearded novelists, but the managerial class.  How else to explain the affinity for trickle-down economics?  This translates into better dates, better food, and the aforementioned hard liquor or wine that does not come in plastic bottles or boxes with EZ-Pour spouts.  While I am, as admitted, a Democrat, I still have certain standards.

Now from this list, it should be clear that when I say Republicans, I am not remotely referring to the incoming class of tea partiers and their staff, but rather what may be termed "the establishment."  Conceptualizing this difference is crucial to understanding why Republicans have more fun and are more fun to be around.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!