The Fat Diaries: The Holiday Road Trip Diet

For families on the road this holiday season, it seems like fast food burgers, cinnamon rolls, pizza, and fries are the only eating options.

I know everyone has an opinion on TSA thing right now. Well there’s another group of holidaymakers who are also facing the gauntlet right now: the holiday drivers. That’s where most of my traveling gets done. Nothing like waking up at the crack of dawn only to waste half of the early morning with:

“Where’s the second suitcase?”

“There’s a second suitcase?”

“Did you pack my razor?”

“It’s your razor, why would I have packed it?”

“Hang on! I forgot whether I put the medicine bag in here!”

“Mommy I have to go potty!”

“I dropped the pillows in the puddle, Daddy!”

“These pants are too uncomfortable! I have to change my pants.”

Sound familiar? I recently went on a car trip with some of my coworkers from Tangent Artists. We were going to market our webcomic at Virginia Beach for three days at a convention. It wasn’t a long trip by any means (about 4 hours) but both trips up and back were late at night. There were three of us in the car, whom I will refer to as Mater and Big D. All three of us, when we set out, admitted to only having a light supper (or no supper at all) before heading out into the night. We would have to stop at least once for a late-night meal and we planned to make a few stops for coffee and restrooms.

I’ve been on road trips before, some extending into days rather than hours. I’ve been trapped on those long turnpikes where there isn’t a vegetable to be had for several states. It’s all fast food burgers, cinnamon rolls, pizza, and french fries within the cement barriers. If you want something a little healthier at a place with real seats, you have to pay to get off and on again. Since the last long road trip I took was with two kids in diapers, the state-sponsored rest stops were a necessary evil (they had changing tables and places to buy spare wipes). Still after ten hours or so of nothing but processed grease and starch, any car starts to get…er… fragrant to put it politely. To put it impolitely I’ll say that it sounds like the John Candy Memorial Whoopee-cushion Choir. Both myself, Big D and Mater were all aware of this phenomenon, being veteran roadies.

On our first break, we decided to forgo the usual greasy burgers and pancake houses and go to a grocery store. (We thought we were so clever for doing this.) We were certain that the store would be a prime place to find ready-to-eat food that was fresher than a burger joint. Sadly it was 11-o-clock at night so the produce section was covered. There was yogurt in the dairy section but no spoons. All of the good sandwiches were gone, leaving behind the soggy, poorly marked sandwiches. I debated getting one of these sandwiches (which were $3 by the way) but they were a foot long. I didn’t want a gargantuan sandwich, I wanted a normal sized sandwich that didn’t have fakey American cheese on it. It wasn’t my lucky day.

I decided to look in the packaged meat section for a “build your own sandwich kit.” Yes. I was that desperate. These “Lunchables for grownups” were completely made up of processed meat, bleached flour rolls and (sigh) American cheese. I got one package that claimed to have real cheddar in it, and looked more my size. To my disappointment upon opening it, I discovered a 2-inch roll (which was WET) and a salty slab of turkey in water to go with my real cheddar cheese. Pathetically, the mayonnaise packet was bigger than the roll. I had my meager meal and (of course) was still starving. I ended up eating half of Big D’s chips and dipped into the protein bars I kept to sustain myself through the convention  (I forget to eat at conventions when I’m busy drawing commissions). I began to wish we had caved and stopped at Waffle House.

Over the next three days, our lunches came at odd hours, mostly from Sonic Drive-In Burgers. I ended up getting the egg & steak tortilla when I had stomach enough to eat, but honestly, my appetite was on strike from fast food. I think what I enjoyed most that weekend were the gigantic dill pickles from the commissary at the convention center. They were by far the most satisfying meal that long weekend.

So, in theory our grocery store idea might have worked if it had been 10 am. We’d go in, get a bunch of grapes, rolls with spreadable brie, maybe a sack of baby carrots and a bag of tamari rice crackers for snacking. Of course, in a perfect world, I would have planned for all this before heading out and kept it in a cooler. In an imperfect world, I barely have my head together enough to remember my car keys when I go out the door. I have another long car-trip coming up this Christmas which will involve two days in a car. Hopefully I’ll remember the last few trips and remember to pack light food that's low in carbs and heavy proteins. Or, I’ll simply crack a window.