The Fat Diaries: The Best Thing About Slimming Down
Two weeks ago, when I casually mentioned that I could fit into size 15 jeans for the first time in 18 years, some interesting comments popped up online. A few of you expressed concern that my weight was geared towards artificial goals instead of healthy ones. I honestly had to think about that for a while. I had to ask myself whether I was losing weight to be healthier or to look and feel more attractive. If I have to be honest, I’d say the answer was, “both.”
I’m only human. When I lose those extra pounds I feel better about myself. My confidence soars now that I can brush my teeth without my stomach jiggling. I love being able to wear more tailored clothes and higher skirts (read: knee-length). When I look at myself in the mirror and still have a little trouble recognizing myself, it makes me realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve sacrificed to get here.
That being said, my journey is far from over. I’m not looking to starve myself, my goal weight is ultimately to be around 155 lbs. That was the number my doctor and I arrived at as being the finish line, deciding NOT to go much beyond that. I simply don’t have the body-type that can support being under 150lbs. The going has gotten slower since I’ve gone under 200 lbs. This year, for example, I’ve only managed to shed about 10 lbs, and I still plateau around 178 lbs. I haven’t really pushed myself to get under that number, since being a 5’8” Polish girl, I can wear it pretty well.
My life has improved a lot since coming down from 265 lbs. I have more energy and stamina; my cholesterol and blood pressure is in a great place; my blood sugar is so normal as to be pedestrian. Most amazingly, junk food just doesn’t appeal to me as much as it used to (although I still decimated 1/3rd of a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates that my friend brought to a meeting). And yes, I love that my life expectancy is increasing and my risk of cancer and heart disease is decreasing.
Still, I feel the need to be honest right now: losing weight doesn’t make your life magically better either. For those of you on the same journey as me, or about to start theirs, I have to be honest about this too. There are some teething troubles that I’m dealing with that I never anticipated.
- The bad knees, and back aren’t miraculously going away: After putting tremendous strain on my knees from being obese (I have nearly worn away most of my cartilage) my tortured knees are not in any way improving. Currently they bother me more from being more active. My doctor has advised me to take supplements and do exercises, but he informed me that my knees are basically ruined for life.
- My skin looks like an empty sack: While I’ve lost nearly 100 lbs in 4 years, my skin hasn’t quite caught up yet. Exercise can tighten up loose skin, but it’s hard and takes a lot of discipline. Problem areas, like under your arms, and your stomach take a LOT of work. I won’t even mention my chest.
- I’m cold ALL THE TIME: While summers are mercifully much cooler to me, (providing we’re not having record-breaking heatwaves or my AC dies again), winters suck. My need for sweaters, jackets and house-coats has doubled in the last four years. I remember sweating in the snow while wearing a light fleece jacket. This last winter, I’ve needed to wear three or four layers under my winter coat to stay warm. When the temperature dips from 71º to 68º, I get a stiff neck.
- I have to constantly buy new clothes: This has proved both delightful and a trial for me. While I love fitting into smaller and better-tailored clothes it is a BIG drain on my wallet to have to buy new pants every 3-6 months because they end up around my ankles when I walk. I’ve invested for the first time in belts, simply to avoid a public exposure lawsuit. My only solution is to buy really cheap clothes that wear out in a few months anyway.
- Junk food makes me sick: On the few times I allow myself a treat, or have one of my go-nuts episodes, the forbidden food plays havoc on me. Fried chicken, Nachos, Corn Dogs, Snack Cakes, all these things will irritate my stomach for the next 24 hours. It’s like my body physically rejects this food now. Does it make me stop wanting it? NO.
Are these little troubles enough to make me stop trying? HECK NO. As much as these things annoy me, I know that it’s worth it to keep going. The pros outweigh the cons so much and I find so many different rewards in my new lifestyle. So, is a little vanity dangerous when you’re losing weight? I think it depends. If you’re doing it the right way, with diet and exercise, I think you’re okay to celebrate and even enjoy your new body.
Bottom line: losing weight is fricking hard. I plan to enjoy ALL of my victories, even the vain, superficial thrill of fitting into smaller jeans, or my husband pulling me aside to tell me, “you look great!”
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