Help! I Don't Think My Sister Should Have a Baby

David Eddie hears from a reader who's not very happy with news of her sister's pregnancy. Is she right to question her decision?

David Eddie hears from a reader who's not very happy with news of her sister's pregnancy.  The reader writes:

My sister is pregnant. Again. She just bought a home (in the burbs), but is deep in debt. The house needs all kinds of renovations, and both she and her husband work two jobs. My nephew, who is 1.5 years old, is woefully underdeveloped. He hates to leave his mother’s arms, so doesn't walk very well and is a bit underweight. And he doesn't say a peep.

I could not be more different from my sis. I live downtown with my boyfriend and we're saving marriage for after we've travelled and are debt-free. I can't imagine responsibly having a child until I’m more stable, say in my mid- to late 30s. So when my sister told me the news, I asked questions like, ‘Are you sure this is the right time?’ ‘What about the health risks?’ (She has high blood pressure.) She hung up on me. I don’t think she’s looking at the reality of the situation, but I feel terrible about not being more supportive. What should I do?

Eddie responds:

Uh, how about … be more supportive?

Now, before I continue, I want to say that I work hard to make Damage Control a judgment-free zone. When someone does me the honour of writing in and saying, “Dear Dave, I made a mistake,” I try to be like: “We all do, it's confusing down here.” And only then: “Here's what I think you should do.”

But I do make an exception when someone doesn't really seem to understand how or where they're screwing up, or that they're even screwing up in the first place – which certainly seems to be the case here.

So here we go: First of all, we parents don't say a toddler is “1.5 years old.” We say “18 months.” And for an 18-month-old to be quiet, a little unsteady on his pins and attached to his mother sounds pretty normal to me – even rather ideal.

You say he's “a little underweight.” And obviously that would be a cause for concern. But why do I get the feeling if he gained a few pounds, you'd start saying he's “tragically obese”?

In any case, “woefully underdeveloped” sounds like pure histrionics and way out of line. Everyone loves to fill the air with opinions about parenting – until they have kids themselves. That tends to shuts them up.

But it's not just your sister's parenting you appear to pooh-pooh. It's everything: the fact that she lives in the suburbs, the way she and her husband manage their finances, the state of their home, the state of her health, even how hard they work. ...

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