Paris... London... Kearney, Nebraska?!

As history has progressed, the financial center of the world has tended to shift increasingly westward. In the 17th century, Amsterdam was widely acknowledged as the core of the worldwide financial system. Later on, London would take this prestigious title, only to be bested by New York in the 20th Century. And now, amid a global economic crisis, the hub of international trade and commerce prepares to pack its bags and move west yet again. No, not to Los Angeles, California, or to Tokyo, Japan, but rather to… Kearney, Nebraska. Well, at least Rep. Adrian Smith, Senator Ben Nelson and former Sen. Chuck Hagel would want you to see it that way. They are so enthused about the prospect of Kearney’s explosive entrance onto the world financial stage that they requested hundreds of thousands of dollars for the Central Nebraska World Trade Center, eventually obtaining $100,000 in pork-barrel cash. But let us sit back and be honest for a moment. What young, ambitious investment banker could decline moving to a former US Army Outpost along the Oregon Trail? For one thing, it would be incredibly affordable – in Kearney, housing costs next to nothing! While the average price of a Manhattan apartment is about $1.7 million dollars, you can find a wonderfully quaint two bedroom, two bathroom just 2.2 miles away from downtown Kearney for only $6,000 (sewage treatment included!) The deal gets even sweeter when we consider the size and skills of the local workforce. Each of this city’s 27,000 residents will be ready and willing to serve your fledging new investment venture. The University of Nebraska at Kearney, where the Trade Center is slated to be located, is so selective that one college guide states that a “formal demonstration of competencies [is] not required” for admission. What are you waiting for? Promising seeds have already been sown at the Kearney Chamber of Commerce. Backed by such financial powerhouses as the local Holiday Inn and Five Points Bank (serving Kearney, Grand Island AND Hastings), who could deny the promising and rapidly expanding nature of this city? Want to hold a corporate event? Look no further than the FirsTier Events Center, capable of seating a monstrous crowd of 5,000 people. I can already hear the adoring crowd's cheers for your corporate mascot. Look, you do what you want, but I’m going to where the money is at. I’m going to heed the advice of Rep. Smith, Sen. Nelson and Chuck Hagel. First thing tomorrow morning, I’m packing my bags and moving to Kearney, Nebraska.