Was It Wrong to Tell a Friend to Get Divorced?

Writing in the Globe and Mail, David Eddie hears from a reader who gave their friend marital advice -- and now regrets it. Did he go too far?

Writing in the Globe and Mail, David Eddie hears from a reader who gave their friend marital advice, and now regrets it.

The reader writes:

One of my oldest friends has been seeking advice about his marriage over the past several months. During the holidays things came to a head. When he asked, I gave him my advice: Call it quits. I then received an e-mail from his wife, and I replied, laying out the issues, as I saw them, in a last-ditch effort to perhaps save the marriage. I tried not to take sides, but alluded to some of the things bothering my friend, as well as some areas where I thought he could do better. I said nothing to her I wouldn't say to him, but probably put it more bluntly. The upshot of my e-mail was they should end a relationship that had become toxic for all parties. But then she forwarded my e-mail to him, and now he's hurt, angered and won't respond to me. What now?

Eddie responds:

It may come as a surprise to some, but in my personal life I don’t really dish out that much advice.

In fact, I try to avoid it. If someone, knowing I’m the Damage Control guy, comes up to me, all wild-eyed and sweaty, and says: “Dave, I really screwed the pooch this time. I [insert problem here] and now I’m in big trouble. What should I do?”

I’ll just say, “Whatever you think is best,” and change the topic.

Why? Well, because 1) giving advice in my free time would be a real “busman’s holiday” for me; and 2) giving advice in general is a mug’s game, because either a) people don’t listen, or b) they do, and you get in trouble.

And I get in enough trouble from writing this column.

So it’s a never-ending source of amazement to me the energy some civilians have for jamming pro bono advice into the craws of every Tom, Dick and Harry they can corner by the canapés.

Giving advice is a curious impulse, when you think about it: button-holing your squirming, shifting-their-weight-from-foot-to-foot friends and relatives, and stuffing all kinds of suggestions in their … suggestion boxes, whether they want them or not.

Now, I understand, sir, that in this case your advice was solicited. Your dear friend was in trouble and you wanted to help.

Still, I would’ve sat this one out. In my wife’s sage words, one should always ask oneself, before any action or utterance: “What’s the upside, what’s the downside?”

And this has “lose-lose proposition” written all over it.

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