This Pork Smells Fishy

As we return to ‘At the Trough’, we come across one of the 125 earmarks that Senator Richard C. Shelby has put his name on in the most recent omnibus bill. Yet what distinguishes this one is that it smells a little fishier than most: $819,000 for research on catfish genetics. This public money will go towards Alabama’s Auburn University and its Fish Molecular Genetics and Biotechnology Laboratory Research, or FMGBLR. The objective, of course, is to come up with a kind of super-catfish, one that swims faster, further and rewards us with more delicious fillet. To do this, catfish geneticists engaged in FMGBLR are staying up late, hard at work mapping the catfish genome, improving catfish immune systems, and conducting systematic analysis of ribosomal proteins (which, of course, we can all agree with). The problem is that the ‘super-catfish’ already exists; it’s just really hard to find. Indeed, researchers engaged in FMGBLR agree that a channel catfish female/blue catfish male hybrid is the superior species, enjoying strong disease resistance, high growth rates, generous feed conversion efficiency, and towering catch yields. Unfortunately, the researchers have had a hard time trying to get these two species together. They’ve tried everything. Believe me. EVERYTHING. That blind date in the Chattahoochee River was a complete and total disaster. Despite their previous failures, the laboratory refuses to give up. As such, their future plans incorporate “reproductive physiologists, molecular biologists, breeders, nutritionists, aquaculturists, and all other possible elements into [their] team” in order to get these two species to mate. Their goal? To get these two species to start breeding regularly in the next five to ten years. Five to ten years?!?! We all know that guy – you know, that friend that just doesn’t know when to quit? He trudges onwards, even after the girl has repeatedly and unequivocally turned him down for dates, ignored his amorous text messages, and thrown wine in his face after he interrupted a pleasant meal with her friends. I think we just need to sit down with these guys and say, “Hey! Blue Catfish males! Listen up! Look, maybe she’s really just not that into you!” It’s hard to imagine that the money couldn’t have been put to better use. After all, catfish farming is renowned for being quite profitable. It’s not for nothing that the most popular book on catfish farming in Alabama is titled ‘Fishing for Gold’. Think of it this way: $819,000 could have been used to buy 117,503 copies of the digitally remastered Marvin Gaye classic, ‘Let’s Get It On’, which could then have been streamed into the water by speakers. Couldn’t we then just let nature (and the ‘Prince of Motown’) take care of the rest?