The Prowl: Winning the Break-Up

When Todd Seavey earlier this week trashed his ex-girlfriend and co-panelist Helen Rittelmeyer on CSPAN2's Book TV, I was strangely sympathetic.

When Todd Seavey earlier this week trashed his ex-girlfriend and co-panelist Helen Rittelmeyer on CSPAN2's Book TV, I was strangely sympathetic.  For all 10 people watching at the time, Seavey's ranting about Rittelmeyer's betrayal and promiscuity--not very well disguised by his attempt to make it a wonkish criticism of her views on Catholicism--was truly the stuff of trauma and heartbreak.  Perhaps Book TV was not the most appropriate of venues, but it seemed to me as if all Seavey wanted to do was prove that he, and not Rittelmeyer, had "won the break-up."  Unfortunately, this kind of monologue belongs on a Fox reality show, and the upshot was he simply looked like a typical Washington D.C. douchebag.  Nonetheless I feel this desire to triumph is an impulse that everyone can understand.

The first boy I dated in D.C. broke-up with me via g-chat by rescinding an invitation to a house party he was throwing.  Getting dumped is never a pleasant experience, but it is made decidedly worse with emoticons and excessive punctuation.  Immediately my main mission became proving to the world (and by world I really meant him) that I would "win the break-up."  I routinely track campaign polling, so why can't break-ups work the same way?  Arguably overly-inspired by Politico, I thought about us as if we were candidates in a bitterly contested congressional race:

Politico is reporting that polling had him three points ahead until unexpectedly he started dating a girl who was decidedly not as pretty or as fun...

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Early voting returns now show Vivian Darkbloom surging ahead after it appears her opponent, plagued by scandal, failed to win over key urban constituencies and moved back to a suburban district. Politico caught up with him and learned he is currently unemployed and 30 pounds heavier.  He did not wish to comment for this story...

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After a tumultuous race, Vivian Darkbloom won the break-up in a landslide.  Unprecedented turn-out by supportive friends and a successful "attack" campaign message are both thought to have contributed to her victory.  Her opponent ceded the election shortly before midnight, admitting that he had been mistaken in treating her like a leper and undervaluing how terrific she really was.

In reality, we ended up having a late-night shouting match somewhere near Dupont Circle over whether an ice cream sandwich is truly a sandwich.  It did not occur to me to attribute his shortcomings-- particularly his assertion that an ice cream sandwich is not in fact a sandwich but its own category of food entirely--to his views on Protestantism.

Still, in a city chronically obsessed with who is up and who is on their way out, from everything from politics to think tanks, I vote that Seavey should be given a "get out of jail free card" for doing what anyone would want to do who has suffered a crushing defeat.