The Prowl: There Are Bigger Weiners Out There
The very day I returned from my leisurely vacation in Argentina--having perfected the phrase "una cervesa por favor" and had my fill of dancing til 6AM and Iberico ham--I came back to an America in which Anthony Weiner is no longer a Congressman. I guess that shows how much I know about anything ... Regardless, while Anthony Weiner was trying to survive with the Tiger Woods methodology of taking a leave of absence and entering "treatment" for a very unclear ailment, I was discussing with four of my closest friends a claim that one made: "I don't have a girlfriend, but there is a girl at home who would be upset if she heard me say that." Let me explain.
Not always the classiest of fellows, my friend decided to declare that several girls sitting near us on the beach had "amazing bodies" and were "so fit" in a decibel that creeped them out so much that they physically relocated. A little while afterward, he commented that he would very much like to get closer to one girl's exposed "tatas fritas." Besides managing to be pervier than the guy offering massages for five euros or the other guy trying to sell us henna tattoos and/or mdma (although less than former Congressman Weiner), the rest of us felt the need to point out to him that he needed to keep it in his bathing suit. Plus, his level of excitement was somewhat baffling as we all thought he was seeing some girl? He replied emphatically that the girl he has been sleeping with regularly is not in fact his girlfriend, as much as she would probably like to be.
His argument as to why his very regular bed-fellow was nothing more basically rested on the grounds that he had not made her breakfast. Breakfast makes boyfriends (or girlfriends in this case) and he was very careful to only have her come over on nights before he played baseball early in the morning so as not to encourage any daytime lingering. I remain unconvinced that he actually plays baseball, but having known him for some time I am likewise unconvinced that he is crafty enough to maintain such an elaborate web of sports-related lies for a lengthy duration just to avoid entering coupleland.
My friend met his non-girlfriend/aerobics partner, who is technically his boss, when she began with his firm late last year. After the office Christmas Party he lobbed the gob--code for seizing the moment and kissing her--and invited her back to his place to "look at etchings." As an aside, he did not actually say that and this disappoints me to no end. Regardless, she has been meeting him sometime after midnight every weekend since at what I can only describe as the absolute dirtiest bar in all of DC. Others who have witnessed this ritual note that they act like a unit when they are together, somewhat indicative of people who actually like each other and each others' company in more than a purely physical way. My friend will only admit however to being a pair insomuch as it is clear they will leave later and "bang it out." These are his words, not mine. This is not exactly the stuff of high romance, especially given that zero amount of wooing is involved. There is no wining or dining or signs of affection. In seven months, he has taken her on exactly zero dates. He tried to argue that he bought her tampons once, and this made up for everything, but he also admitted that this was more in defense of his white sheets. Instead, she simply meets him on Friday nights for certain activities and that is that.
Ordinarily, this would not bother me in the slightest. As long as both know the parameters of the relationship and are satisfied within those parameters, they are consenting adults and should do whatever they please. What bothers me in this instance, as was vocalized by the entire group throughout the trip, is that my friend's pillow buddy clearly would like to evolve into something more and my friend clearly refuses to let this happen. Instead of letting the whole thing go, he keeps appeasing her so that she rolls over and continues to wait for an outcome that will never happen.
How do I know she would like a greater commitment than my friend is willing to make? Well first, I just know things. More importantly though, he reported that almost on a weekly basis she tries to issue an ultimatum that she is finished with the whole thing unless he can give her something more. Her position is that they spend all of this time together that they are basically dating so would buying her a drink one time kill him? Rather than accept this logic, which at this point seems sort of reasonable, he instead will make a token effort to make her forget about it and then carry on with the status quo. In her latest flare up he bought tickets to some event at the Zoo. The consensus in Argentina was that instead of perpetually making these small gestures to keep all of this up, he should let he end the whole thing so they both move along. As a relatively good looking guy, he can easily find meaningless sex with far fewer complications if that is what he is into.
I do not necessarily think my friend is a bad person, and also, for the record, I think this girl needs to grow a spine, but I do think that in this instance he is not being entirely forthcoming and this bothers me. I fundamentally do not understand why someone would string another person along (and why she would go with it) because that strikes me as rather cruel to be evasive about certain intentions. It also strikes me that perhaps this type of scenario is simply the byproduct of modern relationships in which the end goal is not necessarily marriage as it once was and this changes what are essentially the rules of the game. I am not remotely making a value judgment on this change, as I firmly think there are different types of relationships for different times and all can be enjoyable in their way. In the context of my friend though, for someone who prides himself on being a stand-up fellow, in this instance, he is really being somewhat of a cad. Being intentionally evasive with intentions as feelings either evolve or not is nothing more than inconsiderate and cowardly.