The Prowl: The Four Step Break-Up Plan
A close friend who works on the House side of the Hill is seriously considering breaking up with her boyfriend, a staffer on the Senate side of the Hill. They’ve been together for two years but she says a spark is missing from the relationship. And also that she simply doesn’t understand what they do over there in the Senate (only kind of kidding). Whether this is the result of watching too many Disney movies as a child or some entirely different phenomenon, she’s more or less decided she doesn’t want to marry this person and that they should both go on their respective ways. Alone. Ending a relationship, however, is a big decision and the implementation thereof requires much consideration. After all, you can't simply break up with someone. Au contraire. You need a strategy.
Step 1: Timing is fundamental and this is really at the heart of any strategy. Primarily, as the dumper, you must decide whether you would like to instigate a "phase out" or quit cold turkey. Personally, I'm a fan of the "phase out" as it avoids having an actual discussion, which may involve explaining your emotions or become confrontational. Instead, you simply gradually call and see each other less and less until it becomes clear that you are no longer really together. Some say this approach lacks "closure." I feel that's overrated. This kind of strategy, however, typically doesn’t work well for more long-term relationships, like the one my friend would like to end, and is more or less premised on an assumption that the other person feels similarly (recently employed with investment banker surprisingly successfully). My friend though more realistically must think about exactly when to have that particularly awful "it's not you, it's me" talk. A variety of future plans from vacations to weddings complicate this creating a Valentine's Day-like scenario of "is it better to break up before or after?" To this, I do not have a good answer, except that it should be contemplated before any impromptu discussions are had.
Step 2: Having settled on when to do the deed, the how can also be tricky. I once broke up with someone in college with flashcards, not wanting to be distracted by silly things like my then boyfriend smelling good or being witty. I was on a mission and did not want to be derailed. Needless to say he took my flashcards, skipped to the last card that said "In conclusion, we should break up," and told me I was funny. While written notes may be a bit much for most, a sense of purpose and clarity is crucial in delivering the news. You don't want to leave room for reconsideration (unless you do, which is a different issue entirely) yet a complete "airing of the grievances" may not be entirely appropriate either. While it’s always easier if the other person did something to make you want to end things (cheating being the most obvious example) and more difficult if there is no real event to point to, in order to make the break-up stick, you need to do as my high school AP English teacher instructed and "worship at the shrine of clarity and precision." Use your words succinctly to make an argument that cannot be rebutted. It's also probably helpful, although hard, to avoid cliché as much as possible. Be creative.
Step 3: Breaking up is always easier if you already have someone lined up. The chances of regret and relapse diminish significantly if you are distracted by a bright and shiny object. The summer interns have only recently descended on Capitol Hill, full of pluck and eager to please. While I normally would not condone sleeping with interns for a host of reasons, these are special and somewhat dire circumstances. Whether your post-break-up backup has a paid salary or essentially works as an indentured servant after that first year of law school, the rebound truly is a magical thing for getting over that apparently not-so-special someone.
Step 4: Be firm in your convictions. After your intern phase is over, and you see your former girlfriend or boyfriend at a mutual friend's wedding (or one you RSVP-ed to as a couple) or trotting about the Hill, remember that you broke up with this person for very good reasons. Do not call at 2am and do not offer to "catch up" on a Thursday night. This is a mistake. You have already given them all of their possessions back, no longer have to laugh at their unfunny jokes, and thus, really should avoid falling back into a false comfort of coupleland. Instead, maybe think about meeting someone you don't know yet?
So there you have it - how to break up, and stay broken up. Good luck, I suppose?