The Prowl: Surviving the Office Holiday Party

The average office holiday party is usually a staid affair involving awkward conversation with the boss' spouse and someone getting inappropriately drunk.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, it is time to move on to Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza/Festivus/whatever.  This of course means that it is also time to prepare for office holiday parties.  These events are usually staid affairs involving awkward conversation with the boss' spouse and someone being inappropriately drunk.  D.C. is no exception.  In navigating these events, it is crucial to keep the following in mind...

Your Date: You do not need to bring a date.  Yes, it can be scary to go to these things alone, but going alone is preferable to bringing someone not right.  An ex-boyfriend of mine learned this the hard way.  For reasons I no longer remember, I was unable to attend his firm party with him last year.  Initially, this annoyed him.  He explained that he planned on impressing his superiors by brining a hot and articulate date.  I pointed out that it was dubious whether I qualified.  Regardless, since I could not go and neither could any of our female friends (he rejected my plan to hire an escort), he instead invited a male friend from high school.  If he was gay, this would be a non-story.  Since he was not gay and was not overly okay with his co-workers assuming otherwise, the night was not a huge success.  The point here, that I have made perhaps badly and in a roundabout way, is that you should be comfortable with whomever you bring and recognize that you will be judged based on this person.  Whether this is just or not is completely beside the point.

Your Attire: I have emphasized this fact week after week.  D.C. is a socially conservative city and these types of events have a uniform.  At our firm's party last year our intern decided to arrive looking like an American Apparel poster child.  While I understand that clothing is a form of self-expression and all of that, whether just or not, the business casual quality of the holiday party is a staple in D.C.  I cannot say for certain that the intern was not offered a job because he never learned that jeans and sneakers are not okay in the office nor were they okay at this event, but it certainly did not help him.  The same advice ostensibly holds true for girls.  The office holiday party is not the time to slut-it-up.  Yes, having your boss notice you is good, but it should not be because your skirt is so short you can't sit down.

Your Small Talk: As you munch on canapés, you will be forced to actually interact with the people you work with and their significant others.  Stick to trivialities and you will be fine.  Ask about their kitchen renovations.  Ask about their holiday plans.  Ask about their kids.  Make jokes.  Last year a designer was throwing a party at the same place as a friend's investment banking firm.  Her boss mused that maybe they would see some models?  She said, "sure, financial models."  This is an example of perfect holiday party fare.  Keep it light and easy and your colleagues will be endeared.  The holiday party is decidedly not the time or place to suddenly become deep or explain your long-time interest in the philosophy of Giambattista Vico (I have another friend who did this and his co-workers to this day think he's a boring a**hole).  In D.C., appropriate fodder may also include anything rooted in partisanship or politics.  This may make you look like a douche depending on whom you are chatting with, but chances are, they are probably a douche too.  This is D.C.

Your Alcohol Consumption: Again, I realize that I have encouraged imbibing some liquid social lubricant in the past, but as with all good things, moderation is key.  While there are some who genuinely believe that the holiday party is an appropriate time and place to get blacked-out, this is a myth.  It is a huge misconception that anything said and done at such an event will be forgiven and forgotten.  Especially in D.C. where it takes years to build a solid reputation and a matter of seconds to crush it, being the guy or gal who is "over-served" is not professionally advantageous.  I have a friend whose firm had their holiday party on a boat cruise on the Potomac last year.  He drank too much and puked over the side of the boat in front of a senior partner.  The next morning there was a pamphlet for a 12-step program on his desk.  Another friend at a holiday party after about ten drinks too many decided to jump on stage, interrupt the band, and serenade his secretary, Caroline, with Neil Diamond's classic hit "Sweet Caroline."  Their relationship was never the same again.  Oh, and remember that intern I mentioned who was too cool for a shirt with buttons?  He pre-gamed a little too hard and told my very conservative and traditional boss that he was a "fucking tool."  Again, this was not likely a solid career move on his behalf.

Your Interactions with Co-Workers: Do not do anything remotely sexual or suggestive with your co-workers or their significant others.  Definitely do not do anything remotely sexual or suggestive with any interns who may be in attendance and may also still be minors.  I have a cousin who slept with a VP at his company following a holiday party and they are about to be married.  This outcome is not the norm however.  What is the norm is regret the next day, a headache, raccoon eyes, and an awkward work environment.  Two of my colleagues hooked-up last year under the guise that they were "wasted" and there was "mistletoe."  I can assure you that nothing good came of this and can best liken the outcome to a train derailment.  Of course should you find yourself on the receiving end of unwanted attention, I would really just run-away.

Enjoy and Happy Holidays!