The Prowl: Shutdown? Why Not Have Sex?
Are you one of the 800,000 federal employees deemed non-essential and furloughed? What will you do with your unpaid extended leave? You can't go to any of the Smithsonian Museums for culture or history. You can't go to any national parks or the zoo to enjoy nature and the outdoors. You also can't use your government-issued BlackBerry or do work of any kind. How will you ever manage to fill your time? You could park haphazardly in the District while meter-people are also off and reflect on what it really means to be non-essential (who is OPM to make that determination anyway?). You could also do this at home and smell your trash that isn’t being collected. Or, instead you could...
1. Day-drink. It’s not like you'll have work to do, and, even if you were so important that you did, that would be illegal. You might as well enjoy the nice weather and scenic vistas at the Georgetown Waterfront. You can perfect your skills at flip cup in a socially respectable way or, if you're more melancholy about things, brood over how House Republicans are ruining your life. Additionally, as if people need further incentive to drink, several Capitol Hill watering holes are having shutdown specials that won’t cause a personal budget meltdown and can save you from the doldrums of not working. Beers for one cent are difficult to refuse ...
2. Eat. If you pursue option #1, it will be important to line your stomach. You cannot drink heavily, especially in the sun, without sustenance. Or, you could be more mature about this and take it as an opportunity to simply explore the variety of eating establishments D.C. has to offer other than your government building cafeteria. You can use this time to catch up with non-work friends and maybe even try to facilitate a meal with that person you’ve had your eye on, now that you have substantially more free time. So whether you get an over-priced burger at Good Stuff, head to Adams Morgan for Ethiopian, or even just eat some falafel out of a food truck, nourishment is both vital and can be enjoyable during this temporary cessation of work. Again, many D.C. restaurants are providing perks to furloughed workers, including congressional staff, so that they won’t go hungry while not being paid.
3. A corollary to #1: have sex. That special someone, whether a long term relationship or a nice person you bonded with during the afternoon's festivities, might likewise want to enjoy some afternoon delight. Again, without work, responsibility, or a paycheck, this is a free (you will pay in other ways though) and enjoyable activity that can help pass the time. You can even try out some of these shutdown pick-up lines. I’m willing to put several dollars, indeed, only several, on a bet that the birth rate among non-essential federal employees nine months from now will be slightly above average...
4. Go to a baseball game. This is the great American pastime. More than love of the game though, this is really mostly just an excuse to be outside, eat fried food, and drink beer in the middle of the day. Added bonus: tickets aren’t very expensive and won’t bankrupt you while you wait and hope that one day a vindictive Tea Party will nonetheless allow you to receive your back-pay.
5. Complete that do-it-yourself project. Given the trash collection situation, this may be dicey depending on what your project is. Regardless, this seems like an ideal time to repaint or retile something or learn to scrapbook or teach yourself Spanish. It doesn't really matter what the project is, as long as it makes you happy and eases your anxiety over being BlackBerry-less (which may enable you to actually have a conversation with a real live person).
6. Take a vacation. Not a staycation, but a real one. This may not be a viable recommendation if you are low on the GS scale, or if you aren't willing to gamble over how long this might all last. At the same time, seriously, the District of Columbia is going to smell like a dump with trash everywhere and no street cleaners, and people will be double-parked all over the place. And, if people follow my first suggestion, while a valid way to pass the time if done responsibly, they will be drunk. This will all lead to mayhem. It will basically be like the Katrina Superdome here. Why stick around through this? FAA, TSA, and Amtrak employees will all still be working. Exploit this. Take your significant other, or even don't, and get away from the partisan vitriol and disappointed tourists. I hear Chicago is a nice place to visit. You can go to the Aquarium, which will be open, in contrast to anything here.
I’m sure there are other things you can do in DC that don’t involve the federal government and I trust that those furloughed can be enterprising enough to find other tasks for themselves to fill their workplace void. In the meantime, enjoy the weekend and hope for a quick--or maybe not so quick?--resolution!
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