The Prowl: Fixing Up Mr. Hopeless

I'd love nothing more than to provide an update on last week's discussion of how to break the news to my boyfriend that I am writing this pseudonoymous blog.  Unfortunately, um, other things got in the way--mostly discussions of sandwiches and the laziness of Californication's season finale. I will get to it. Eventually. I swear.

In the meantime, said boyfriend and I have formed a committee to find our mutual close friend (who introduced us) a girlfriend. Said friend recently announced this was a goal of his, but he has never been very good at pursuing it on his own.  We (and the world) agrees.  And yet how we will be of assistance remains unclear.

Despite being "your typical nice guy," our friend somehow manages to find the craziest people around him and then smother them with affection until they leave him.  On occasion, in handcuffs.

Example 1: The Screamer

I've been told the long and melodramatic saga of my friend's relationship with this girl that extended through college and into grad school, but I'm still a little fuzzy on the complete timeline.  There are a few key benchmarks, however, that might provide insight.

The Screamer was a roomate of mine. I had no specific reason to dislike the girl, or even question her mental wherewithal.  But the way she expressed herself became a source of contention amongst the rest of us living in a house that was not exactly made of the most sound-proof materials.  I am sure my friend appreciated her expression of enjoyment, but no one else really did.  The real problems began though before I knew him--and before I became acquainted with her theatrics. She once threatened suicide if he broke up with her; police and a snowstorm were both involved.  After that, she followed him across an ocean (he was studying in Paris at the time) and once there, tried to lock him in an apartment and subsequently punched him in the face.  More police were involved and she now has an Interpol record.  At some point after that I believe she ran off to the Maldives with some boy both knew from college as part of a trip that my friend had planned and paid for.  The final straw though, as if the aforementioned was not enough, was when the Screamer attempted to strangle my friend with a telephone wire on the grounds that she just loved him "too much."  For the third time, police, and now a longer Interpol record.

Example 2: Wendy

Again, Wendy is not this girl's real name, although this was her real nickname.  I'm not sure why.

After the flaming wreckage of the Screamer--and once confident that his life was no longer in danger--my friend began to pine after another girl. Again, he still lived in Paris at the time.  Wendy, the girl, encouraged my friend's advances until it was disclosed that she already had a Swedish investment banking boyfriend. Still, the fact of the Swede did not stop her from pseudo-dating my friend, which is like dating with none of the physical perks, for several months.  Then, after a week-long trip to Stockholm, Wendy came back and pronounced her undying affection for my friend.  They promptly boned and she moved in with him two days later.  Nobody can quite pinpoint when Wendy's inner-lunatic began to show, but I think it might be when she realized she had made a terrible mistake, spent a night with her Swedish ex-boyfriend, and then got on a plane the next morning with my friend to go to America to visit his parents and friends.  In America, she avoided my friend for about two weeks, which was an impressive feat given they were staying in the same place.  She then broke up with him in the taxi on the way to the airport before an eight hour flight.

Example 3: The Shellobster

This nickname came as the result of a lot of drinking and a weird combination of this girl's first and last name.  I think it's catchy.

The Shellobster did not last very long and even calling her a girlfriend stretches the limit of the term.  When my friend moved back to America, he came to D.C. to start his PhD at Georgetown.  There he met an LLM student who categorically refused to touch other people and did not drink at all.  Thus from the outset, it seemed like having a sexual relationship would prove difficult.  And yet somehow, one day, my friend was able to finally grab her and kiss her walking home from a movie one night.  From there, things were seemingly fine.  That is until Sunday when we were all having brunch and bantering.  Another friend was talking with the Shellobster about gypsies in Colombia, typical run of the mill bullshit and no more offensive or obnoxious than usual.  She did not exactly flip out, but simply announced that if she had not already ordered food she would probably just leave.  Silence.  Not overly sensitive people, we all just carried on  as if everything was normal, arguing about the crossword puzzle.  Then she turned to my friend and said "I don't have any cash.  Can you cover my breakfast?"  and got up and walked out.  In the process of walking out, she dropped her sweater, which the waiter retrieved.  When my friend texted her that she had left her sweater, she replied back "Keep it.  I'm done with all of you."  They have not spoken since.

So what is the conclusion?  Could it be that my friend likes finding the most insane girl around in order to "fix" her?  Or it could be that he feeds on this sort of drama and will continue to pick girls like these?

Maybe he should just sit out for awhile and focus on other things, until the universe speaks to him in the form of someone who is the right sort of crazy?  I am not sure, but whatever it may be, our committee certainly has its work cut out.

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