The Prowl: An Idiot’s Guide to Dating in D.C.

This week, new lawmakers descended on Washington. One thing their orientation will lack though is advice on picking up a good lady or man.

Like many in our nation's capital, for the past week I have been following the comings and goings of incoming lawmakers as they descended on the city for the first time to find the bathrooms in the Capitol, search for housing (yes, it's expensive), and rail about earmarks.  One thing that their official orientation likely did not include, however, was advice on how to pick up a nice lady/man.  For those amongst them who are single, I offer the dating guide to D.C.

It is worth noting that this guide is hugely inspired by my genuine love of making lists, but more importantly, by this guide to dating in Sweden.  While it is true that D.C. and the Swedes don't have much in common, there is a surprising amount of overlap in mating rituals.  This might have something to do with the universality of the human condition and all of that, or it might simply be that relationships are best fostered while slightly/very drunk.  Either way, with this disclaimer aside...

Step 1: Meet at a location where guests have been "pre-vetted."  Whether it is at a fundraiser (political or otherwise) or at the Capitol Hill Club (most incoming members are Republicans after all; also, the Democratic equivalent blows and will only lead to a drunken hook-up with a labor lobbyist), knowing that someone has been screened to some degree through an invitation process is comforting. How crazy can they possibly be, after all if someone has essentially vouched for them?  Where this does not happen is in the bars on Pennsylvania Avenue, which will be tempting given their proximity to House office buildings.  Nothing good can come of hanging out at Capitol Lounge or Hawk and Dove on a Thursday night except that your staff will have embarrassing stories about you the next day.  Ask anyone who used to work for Eric Massa or Patrick Kennedy.  If the aim is something less than true love, this advice may not apply, and all that you will need to know is that the red badges identify the wearers as interns and these mean STOP.  For anything more, seriously, stick to invite-only events.

Step 2: Get drunk.  Not puke-on-your-shoes drunk, but a little liquid courage to act as social lubricant never hurt anyone.  John Boehner after all can corroborate that a glass or six of merlot really brings you closer to those you are with and enhances the quality of your interactions.  True, some feel that meaningful exchanges should not need alcohol; these people have never spent significant time with Hill staffers and/or lobbyists.  By the end of the night, do that slightly lingering weird hug thing with the potential candidate and make vague plans for the future to meet again at some Young Republican soirée.  Completely unrelated, but I feel important to add, Republicans really have more fun and throw better parties.  Your odds of success with Steps 1 and 2 will be greatly increased at GOP events.  I will discuss this in more depth in another column.

Step 3: It is my experience that Americans are slightly more puritanical than their Swedish counterparts, not so much at the time, but generally in their judgments afterward.  This certainly holds true for the incoming class of congressmen and women, with the possible exception of David Rivera.  Therefore, Step 3 in this instance is not make out/have sex.  Au contraire.  Step 3 in this instance involves awkwardly text messaging the next day about how great it was to meet the other person.  This message must be witty.  Facebook messaging is ill-advised as is actually calling.  Do not delegate this step to a communications staffer or intern.

Step 4: Go on a date.  Frequently, a first real date is difficult to spot as the friendship line is often ambiguous early-on.  However, if steps 1-3 have been completed and you find yourself having drinks and/or snacks on a Wednesday night at either Sonoma or Cava, you are in first date territory (James Carville in wooing Mary Matalin took her to Tune Inn but I would not recommend this so soon into a new relationship).  Here, as with a job interview, you will talk about past experiences, educational and professional, your family, various favorites, and share inane anecdotes.  Again, a little social lubrication really goes a long way.  Things may even begin to get a little touchy-feely at this juncture.  Remember: D.C. is a conservative city, and a gossipy one, meaning anything more may become fodder for scandal.

Step 5. Repeat Step 4, assuming it went well the first time.  This time, rather than a public outing, it is likely to be a "come over and have dinner and watch a movie" outing.  This is code for "let's have sex."  Social norms surrounding when in a relationship this is appropriate are different for everyone, but for the sake of expediency, I made this Step 5.

Step 6: Go to breakfast the next day.  Breakfast makes girlfriends/boyfriends.  This is an undisputed fact.

Step 7: Repeat steps 4-6 in varying settings so that it becomes clear you are in coupleland.  Then, you can start having daytime activities, like Sunday excursions to Eastern Market or anything involving the Georgetown Waterfront.  This is a sign that you are set and comfortable and everything will be great, as long as you are not voted out of office.

So there you have it, a quick reference guide to dating in D.C. With that, I wish the incoming class of the 112th Congress the best of luck, in all of their social endeavors (or at least the ones who aren't batshit crazy--and who seem to be the ones I'm always stuck running into...)