The Prowl: A Working Man is Hard to Find

Why do so many women who are hugely ambitious and driven end up dating boyfriends who cannot get their lives together?

This week, a friend forwarded me this article from the Wall Street Journal.  She said that she was dating this guy and the article, which described her predicament, almost made her cry (she was working in a very public place though and held back the tears).  Who is this "guy" that my friend is dating?  Well, according to the article, he is a 20-something in "pre-adulthood," meaning that he went to a four-year college, got a degree, now still lives at home with his parents, plays video games, and does not exactly exhibit goal-oriented behavior.  He is still "finding" himself.  After reading the article, I realized that I too have dated "this guy" before, as have really all of my female friends.

I'm not saying there isn't a female equivalent of the boy described in the article, but the writer really does have a point: somehow in a city that should be filled with overly ambitious go-getters, we all keep dating essentially little boys who cannot be counted on for anything.

Allow me to use my friend who sent the article as an example.  She is objectively the shit.  I don't really know how else to describe her, but she is stunningly beautiful (she once featured on The Hill's top 10 list), graduated from an Ivy League school cum laude, and has been hugely successful both on and off the Hill -- all of this while pursuing an MBA after hours and volunteering.  She is Superwoman and I cannot heap enough praise on her.  Her boyfriend is a nice guy.  I want to be very clear that I genuinely like him and bear him no ill-will at all.  In contrast to her, however, he has not had a "real" job since he graduated from a second-rate college several years ago, instead preferring to live at home and work seasonally at a pool.  He has had offers for more viable employment opportunities from friends of hers and his parents, but they were always "too much of a commitment" or "not what he really wanted to be doing."

What it is that he does want to be doing is far from obvious though and seems only to involve a six-figure starting salary (rationalized because he is so great with people, despite having no work experience) and the freedom to not "be tied to a desk 9 to 5."  He most recently announced that maybe he would go to graduate school, although a specific subject area was not yet mentioned.  Or, alternatively, he would start his own business with again, an unspecified purpose.  Maybe he would also want to become an architect or an astronaut, aspirations shared by all young boys?  To say that she is beginning to be a little embarrassed of him and is losing patience with his inability to grow up and get his life together would be an understatement.

All of this of course makes me wonder the same thing as the writer of the Journal article: where have all the good men gone?  What has happened that all of my female friends are hugely ambitious, driven and pursuing careers and other passions while all of their boyfriends and all of the boys they meet are still "transitional?"  Many, such as the friend I have discussed, have given themselves mental deadlines that are somewhat flexible for how much longer they can put up with this sort of tomfoolery from the members of the supposed stronger sex, but that sort of thinking is decidedly easier said than done.  Maybe next month my friend’s boyfriend will sort himself out, get his act together and become a fully-functioning member of the world outside his parent's basement.

Why do women put up with these men?  I think it is all part of a genuine desire that they will reform.  While we intuitively know this will not happen and we end up breaking up with these people in favor of lawyers, doctors, and investment bankers, it is hard to let go of this hope that soon these "pre-adults" will get over their nonsense.  So in a sense, yes, this is our fault too.

As for me, after hearing the complaints of my friends (which are seemingly more universal than I would have thought), I am just grateful to be seeing someone who gets up every morning, changes out of sweat pants, and is not overwhelmed by the mental anguish of "figuring it all out."

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