The Fat Diaries: Don't Give Me Love, Give Me Chocolate
We’re only a few days from one of the most terrifying days of my year. Not Valentine’s Day. I actually quite like Valentine’s Day. How often does a day come around when you’re allowed to consume a half-magnum of Brüt Rosé and… well anyway. No, the most terrifying day is the 15th of February–also known as “discount chocolate day.”
Halloween is hard enough for me, with the aisles and aisles of candy, but I can always reason that the candy is for the kids and I have no reason to buy a big bag of miniature Twix. Easter is much the same, and though I will generally cave for Cadbury mini eggs, the pastel colors and cartoony rabbits can ground my more crazy impulses to buy a lot of candy.
Nothing tests my mettle, however, more than that primal red color in the seasonal aisle of every shop in February. Behavioral science has shown that red stimulates our appetites and makes us both hungry and thirsty. There’s a very good reason that McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s all use the color red in their logos. Scientists have also tied the color red to risks for obesity for that reason. They’ve advised schools to paint their cafeterias in cool drab colors, and advise us to eat our food off of appetite-curbing blue or purple plates. I saw a set of purple dishes in a catalog once that made me feel positively ill. I was sure if I saw food served on that noxious shade of neon eggplant, I’d never want to eat again.
But red doesn’t only stimulate our cravings for food. It also triggers our sexual appetites. It raises heart-rates and creates feelings of excitement. It’s for this reason that women use red lipstick, dresses and nighties to get the menfolk’s attention. In 2008, a survey of men were shown photographs of women and asked which ones appealed most to them. The men all responded the most favorably towards the women standing in front of a red background, or wearing red clothing. Red taps into the primitive animal brain that’s always screaming for immediate satisfaction. And of course two great things (like sex and chocolate) go great together. (For those interested in the psychological effect of the color red on the human brain, here’s an interesting article.)
So yesterday, as I’m walking down this red gauntlet, the smell of chocolate is escaping its foil and cellophane wrappings and engulfing me. I am in Hell. Every box has been psychologically designed to break down my good sense and make me want to impulsively buy a box and consume the entire contents on my bed, dressed in a red teddy. Every three steps, my hand reaches out for a box of assorted truffles or chocolate-covered cherries only to dart back to my side. It’d simply be easier to avoid the seasonal aisle, but today, I’m here on business: my kids need Valentine’s Day cards for their class parties. I hold my breath, grab the first 2 boxes of $1.99 valentines I can find (Star Wars and Disney Princess-themed) and then run away from the candy like it’s going to explode.
My heart is still heavy with the realization that the day after Valentine’s Day, all of these goodies will be marked down to insanely-low prices. The surefire way to my destruction is quality chocolate, but throw in a great bargain on top of that and my willpower melts faster than a tube of lipstick on my dashboard. I might not make it this year, folks.
Maybe I’ll give up chocolate for Lent and call it even.
Happy St. Valentines Day, everyone.
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