The Fat Diaries: Confessions of a Food Addict
It’s 4:00pm, the hardest hour of my day, and I’m staring down my addiction.
“Come on,” says a voice in my head.
“No.” I say immediately.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re bad for me.”
“Only a little. Not that much in the long run. Besides, in 100 years, who’ll care?”
“Not doing it.”
“But you want to. Why shouldn’t you do what you want?”
“Because I’m hurting myself.”
“No you’re not, you’re making yourself happy. You deserve to be happy. You’ve been working so hard lately; you deserve a break. Are you one of those pitiful martyrs who thinks they don’t deserve to be happy?”
“I’m afraid I’ll lose control again. What if it all happens all over again?”
“It won’t this time.”
I walk away.
This mental wrestling is familiar, no doubt to anyone who has faced addiction, be it an addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, etc.
In my case I was staring at a box of chocolate snack-cakes in the grocery store.
When I made a drastic change in my life by cutting out most junk foods it was one of the hardest things I had to do. Why was I so attached to something so inconsequential as food? We eat food for nutrition, right? Technically if I’m full and getting all the nutrients I need I shouldn’t feel this perverse attraction to food right? Not really.
Food isn’t ‘addicting,’ but reliance on food is. Like most addicts I began overeating because I was depressed and stressed out. I had a hole in my heart that needed filling and I filled it with forbidden food. Whenever the world felt too big, too cruel to deal with, I would calm myself by eating junk food. My nutritionist described this type of eating disorder as a “self-nurturing” mentality. I equated food with love. My mother loved me, my mother fed us, ergo food=love (A lot of people have this impulse). It was a kind of self-medication to fill myself with treats until I felt appreciated again.
Later on, when I had a close circle of friends and some one who genuinely loved me, the depression went away, but the food never did. I didn’t need to feel loved anymore, but I still needed that stimulation. When you eat tasty food, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel good, like dopamine. I no longer needed the sense of nurturing, but I loved that rush of endorphins, and I only ever seemed to get it with junk food; chocolate cake, salty chips, greasy pizza. And, of course, any time I got stressed over finals, my wedding, etc. I went nuts and gorged.
Cutting out all those foods that you loved so much, and that gave me such a high was painful, and like any AA alumni will tell you, you’re never really cured. You can’t let your guard down. You will constantly be in situations that will test the very core of your being. Grocery shopping, a loaded buffet, a party, you’ll always be exposed to temptation. While I generally ease up a little at parties and rare restaurant trips, I keep finding my mettle tested. I slip up, a lot. I make mistakes and I fall into old habits sometimes, but then I get back on the horse and keep going.
The link between depression and obesity is kind of a serpent-eating-its-tail phenomenon. Depression has been known to cause overeating, just as being overweight can cause feelings of depression, especially if one was obese during childhood. The only proven way to break this cycle is with healthy food and exercise. Both have been shown to be the most effective against obesity and minor depression.
I think the problem with the depression-eating phenomenon is that a lot of kids these days haven’t been taught how do deal with stress and negative feelings. This is because most adults don’t know how to deal with stress. For generations we have passed along the mantra of, “boy am I depressed, let’s get some ice cream.” We feel bad and we reach for the pork rinds, or the cookies, or the cheesecake. We pass these habits down to our kids as well. “Great game, lets go get slurpees,” “You get a goodie because you’ve been so well behaved,” “Don’t cry, have a lollipop!” It seems harmless until we realize that we’re adding another generation in the line of kids who eat to feel better.
Showing your kids that you appreciate them is not a crime, by any means, but we need to find ways of helping our kids deal with their trials and triumphs without reaching for junk food. I have lots of problems dealing with my own stress; problems I do NOT want to pass down to my kids. These days I’m so terrified of falling back into my habit of overeating when I’m stressed out that I will actually eschew all food until the stress is gone. Not healthy.
I’ve a ways to go, and I’m running out of time as my kids get older and are starting to deal with more problems. I try teaching them breathing exercises to calm down. Occasionally we’ll do a fifteen-minute stretch section. I try to show them I’m proud with hugs and praise instead of sweets. A lot of times, they’d rather have the sweets, but I have to stick to it. If I remember why I’m doing it, the pain that I went through as a kid, and the lessons I have to pass down to my kids, they might be able to avoid the patterns I fell into. Then they won’t have to have mental showdowns with a box of hohos.
