Help! My Mother-in-Law's Always Ripping Everyone
Eddie hears from a reader who accidentally let his sister-in-law know how their mother-in-law really feels about her. Does he need to apologize?
Writing in the Globe and Mail, David Eddie hears from a reader who accidentally let his sister-in-law know how her mother-in-law really feels about her. Should he apologize? Or not bring the matter up?
The reader writes:
Recently, my sister-in-law was expressing her regret about how unpleasant our mother-in-law is to me, and I said: “Oh, don't worry about it. She says mean things about everybody.” So my sister-in-law asked me if I had ever heard my mother-in-law say negative things about her and her husband. I tried to pass it off lightly, saying things like, “it means nothing,” “it's just part of her negative style,” “she's possessive of her sons, you know that.” It was clear that my sister-in-law felt deeply wounded. I'd like to apologize to her for my tactlessness, but I fear it will reopen the conversation about what my mother-in-law has said. In truth, I haven't heard her say one good thing about my sister-in-law in 10 years, but as I said, she's like that about everyone. Should I apologize? Should I leave it alone?
Eddie responds:
First of all, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it.
It was inevitable that you and your sister-in-law would eventually have that conversation.
Anyone who knows someone full of relentless critical energy is bound to have the following conversation sooner or later, with a mutual friend or family member:
You: “Whew, that Critica sure is hard on people, isn’t she? Ha-ha-ha, I wouldn't be surprised if she's even got a few choice things to say about me.”
(Long pause.) Mutual friend/family member: “Uh, well, actually…”
And it's always such a shock, isn't it? I, for example, would love to believe that when I leave the room, people (the women, mainly: they're the ones I have yearned to impress since about the age of 14) turn to each other and say: “Dave's a hell of a guy, isn't he?”
“He's handsome, witty, stylish. His buttocks are sublime. I'm very attracted to him.”
“Me too. I curse the fact he's married.”
“So do I.”
But I'm under no such illusions. Time has brought me the following piece of wisdom, if no other: I'm so very far from perfect, I'm sure I provide an easy target for whatever verbal throwing-daggers and ninja-stars those around me choose to aim at my back.
But with an omni-negative über-critic like your mother-in-law, it's not even personal. It's a simple syllogism of the all-men-are-mortal-Socrates-is-a-man-therefore-Socrates-is-mortal variety: “She routinely rips everyone she knows a new one. You are someone she knows. Therefore, she routinely rips you a new one.”
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