Fighting for a Country That Thinks I'm Second Class

When the people of California voted to strip legal rights away from gay Californians I decided I could no longer serve in the military. Why should I put my life at risk to defend the freedom of Americans who think so little of me and my relationships?

RD is the pseudonym of a 10-year armed services veteran recently returned from Afghanistan.  A psychologist and long-serving veteran, this officer had to deal with both the traumas of the troops in front of him, and the psychic wound of his own situation: the risk that if he spoke frankly about his life to any colleague, he could find himself ejected from the war and the army.  This is the fourth in a series of excerpts from his journal.

I had a very bad session with my workout partner tonight. He is the person I am closest to in Afghanistan yet even he knows very little about my life. He asked if I was married and I lied, telling him I was divorced. Damn. I hate lying; I can count on one hand how often I have told a lie in the past 20 years. Yet if I told him I was a never-married, 42-year-old male it would have been too risky. If I told the truth I could be fired and go home to face unemployment. Why in the world would any soldier be fired for being honest? Because I am a gay soldier and it is illegal to say so. It is illegal for me to tell not just anyone in the military but anyone in the world – my parents, my siblings – even my best friend. Despite repeated studies by the Pentagon over the past 50 years that clearly suggest gays pose no threat to unit cohesion or morale; social conservatives insist that it is so and have passed laws demanding that gay Americans be fired if we are honest – even with our closest friends or family members. Being honest should never be illegal. This law results in gay military members being socially isolated from our peers, our friends and our families so that others will not get to know us lest they discover that we are gay. We could be turned in by anyone. It also means we cannot date anyone – even on our own time and out of uniform. So we can only keep our jobs if we lie, pretend, and remain isolated -- celibate and alone. How is a law with such cruel consequences considered Christian? Lying is never good but it is the law so what else can I do? As a result of being so angry I was quiet during the workout and my gym partner expressed concern but I could not tell him why. It would have been illegal.

Moral laws do not force people to lie or pretend to be something they are not (a kind of lie itself). Even worse this law creates barriers between people and mandates a certain level of isolation and loneliness. It will drive me from the military. It is the main reason I am leaving the service when I return from Afghanistan. Despite a severe shortage of psychologists and two wars the military will lose me. I believed at one time I could live with the unfairness and the cruel message implied by “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) – that Americans like me are second class citizens, unwelcomed, unequal and unaccepted – not just in the military but by society. Make no mistake about it, DADT is intended by its supporters to convey just such a cruel message.

If I had accepted that I was gay I would never have joined the military – I naively thought I would “change” if only I met the “right” girl or was a good enough Christian. But when the people of California voted to strip the over 1,000 legal rights afforded married couples from gay Californians I decided I could no longer serve in the military. Why should I put my life at risk to defend the freedom of Americans who think so little of me and my relationships that they would take rights away from me? I was floored by the unfairness and the way rights were stripped away – by a simple vote – what the founding fathers called “the tyranny of the majority”. I am appalled that many Republicans support such attacks on freedom, liberty and limited government. One can be opposed to gay marriage by not entering such a marriage – but it is cruel to deny 1,000 legal rights to a couple just because you personally don’t believe in it. Barry Goldwater would be so ashamed of what has happened to the GOP. We are supposed to be the party of individual liberty. Ironic isn’t it? The party of big government favors government getting out of our lives while the party of less government favors more government involvement in our lives.